Reddit

Lately I’ve noticed that a new addiction has been sneaking up on me. Unfortunately, by the time I realized I was addicted it was too late. This addiction has been gaining steam and traction since the beginning of the Covid pandemic. I have become obsessed with one particular Reddit page that chronicles the daily nonsense and extreme dysfunction of one rapidly aging celebrity, his highly unstable and narcissistic wife, and their brood of unruly offspring. Of course this is a waste of time and brain space and yet I found myself - until quite recently - unable to quit. 

 How did I know I was addicted? Because all the telltale signs of addiction were there. I couldn’t stop my voyeuristic obsession with this family, even though that obsession made me feel like absolute crap almost every single time I gave in to it. Some sick part of me enjoys hating and judging the parents of this large family and even the kids (although of course the children are completely innocent). I would swear that I wouldn’t look at the page and then I would. I’d swear “this is it. The very last time!” again and again and again. And again. It got so out of hand at one point that I told my family that I needed their help. They were ordered to grab my phone and chastise me if they saw me perusing the latest Reddit news. I effectively told them to be the police over my bad habits. But of course that never works. So then, when I wanted to binge on the mess that is this far removed family’s life, I had to hide in a bathroom or a closet, or in my car, where I could get a nice juicy hit off of what is basically malicious gossip, in peace. 

This couple and their doings live rent-free in my head. I think about them in yoga, while driving, at work. I find myself getting high on outrage over the way they behave and treat their children the way some people do with politics and the daily news. I was doing this every day - several times a day. And that felt good. Outrage causes our adrenaline to surge - and although the influx of adrenaline makes me feel wild and shaky it also gets me high. And as an addict, I will chase any high that I can get. 

But it was a month ago, when I started dreaming about the two obnoxious adults running the shit show that is this family’s life, that I knew I needed to get serious about addressing this latest obsession. Because it is a waste of time. Because it feeds what is essentially the lowest part of my being. Because after any particularly long binge on the Reddit page devoted to them (anywhere from ten to twenty minutes) I would feel sick with shame and self-loathing and regret. And yet...like with all addictions...I found myself unable to stop.

So, like with booze and drugs, I did the only thing that has ever worked for me to stop any one of my destructive behaviors. I raised my hand and fessed up in an A.A. meeting. I came clean about what was really going on. How I was hiding in closets and bathrooms. How this behavior was isolating me and making me feel like a nut-job. How I was unable to stop this obsessive and compulsive scrolling on my own.

Now I am counting days off of this latest addiction of mine and it is brutal. Yesterday was day thirty of not looking at the Reddit page (which is by far the longest I have gone for over five shameful years!) And, not all that surprisingly, the discomfort yesterday while trying NOT to look was almost too much to bear. I did everything I did when I was trying to stop drinking so many years ago. I went to a meeting. I shared openly and honestly about what was going on. I went to yoga. I went to work. At the end of the long day I went home and organized bookshelves - rearranging and editing and frantically changing my mind (by author? by subject? by color?) in a frenzy of discomfort until long after the sun had set. And yet…the intense urge. The overwhelming craving. The tsunami-like feeling that if I didn't look at this page immediately something bad might happen. Would happen! In fact, I might even die. My anxiety ratcheted up to a point where it was almost unbearable. All my well-considered “reasons” were there. I had to look at the page. I had to know what had happened during the day. What new outrageous nonsense had the parents subjected their poor children to? What new and ridiculous thing had the wife (full of botox and fillers, her massive fake honkers perpetually on display) done in her chronic, grasping need for attention? And yet...I didn't. I refrained. And today is day thirty-one off of this addiction. But it is not going to be easy. In fact, this new distraction of mine (and aren’t all addictions just a distraction from ourselves) feels almost as hard to quit as all the others.

And so, yesterday evening during the most intense physical period of craving, I made a list. Surprisingly, the list that emerged was not a list of the benefits I might get from not looking at the page. Instead there emerged - from my very own mind - a list of why I should look at the page. And here they are:

I deserve a little “break” each day and this is it. So what?

This latest “addiction” of mine is not really that bad - certainly not as bad as my others.

I'm not hurting anyone but myself - so it’s fine.

I’m too hard on myself. I need to lighten up.

This helps me relax and who doesn't need to relax every once in a while?

I'll only look once a day at five p.m.  Not several times a day every single day. 

And again....I deserve it. I deserve it. I deserve it. 

To my absolute horror I saw that these reasons why I should continue with this bad behavior of mine - a behavior that I know is making me miserable on a deep level, are the exact same reasons that I used to keep myself trapped in other addictive behaviors. I spent about three minutes beating myself up. “My God!” I yelled at myself in frustration, “have you learned nothing in all these years of sitting in A.A. meetings?” but then of course I see that I have. 

I know what addiction is. I know what it looks like and what it feels like. It feels like being out of control and it feels like being trapped. And, by sitting in meetings for all these years, I know that for me the only way to combat any addiction is with my community of fellow addicts and the twelve steps of A.A. I'll need to be firm with myself. I'll need to be disciplined and ruthless. I'll need to make sure that my mind and its cravings are not the boss of my actions. I will have to remind myself every hour that I am the boss of my actions. And as the boss, I want to indulge in things that nourish me and that make me a better person. Looking at a Reddit page - or any social media for that matter - does not do that. In fact, perusing any of these social media pages makes me a worse person. When I am not revving myself up into a froth of judgement and superiority I simply compare my life to everyone else’s and then eventually I find myself lost in a bottomless pit of....emptiness.

I miss witnessing and criticizing the unsettling dysfunction of that family. I also miss my “friends” on Reddit. My Reddit buddies who love to hate this famous family as much as I do. More than anything I miss getting high on outrage. Because outrage, at least initially, is delicious...and intoxicating. But I know this is the path I have to take if I want some internal peace. I wonder if my Reddit page will miss me? If my “community” will wonder where I am? But I already know that they won’t. The truth is, they won't even notice that I'm gone.